My Protector

A makeshift hut base-circled an old tree
Young-boy built with rough barn wood ties.
A dark board hole in a four-year-old to see.
Sand and dirt was blown into my eyes
By My Protector.

Always my hero as I look up to see
His strong face of confident bravery.
With the hope to like him someday be
I rejoiced with pride in my knavery
To My Protector.

As perversions were done and exhibited
To my unformulated and immature senses.
Which fear, worship, my idolatry prohibited
Any reason to suspect anything offensive
From My Protector.

Teaming up in my battles with my foes
Joining with them who hurt me the most
Helping them execute a volley of blows
Above it all is heard my prideful boast
Of My Protector.

Plotting with our cousins to ostracize
The quiet kid who doesn't belong,
While in my mind his action justifies
Never attributing anything as wrong
To My Protector

Believing the words of the older one
I assumed the correct estimations
Of my inferiority, the butt of their fun
Never questioning the calculations
Of My Protector

Whoever said wounds are healed by time
Has never had them refreshed yearly.
By a childhood of unspeakable crime
Planted in a young mind and fed severely
By My Protector

Growing in the shadow of one so honored
The apple and pride of his father's eye
From his shadow of sorrow I never wandered
Pleasing them both was the impossible lie
With My Protector

By growing up as our lives had to split
I never realized the source of my pain
I grew joyful comfort in being able to quit
Jobs, relationships, projects, trying in vain
To forget My Protector

Unable to love, to care, living in solitude
Needing something strong to dull my mind
Escaping the pain of thoughts pursued
Chasing synthetic shelters to hide
From My Protector

Even as adults his torment remained
Physical pain turns to mental anguish
Attacks, more subtle, still unrestrained
The agenda to dominate, total vanquish
By My Protector

Failing in drive's ambition to finish a plan
Life's failures became so easy to obtain
Each job, each endeavor, becoming a man,
You name it, I was filled with self disdain
From My Protector

Slowly through the sorrowful agonized time
With one whose love I did not deserve
The source, the seed, the rhythm and rhyme
Forced me to confront that which unnerved
My Protector

He's gone and out of my life, I deceive
Myself to believe as evil is lurking
In days of comfort which become naive.
I'm startled alive by the plan still working
For My Protector.

Until a new morning through a clear image
The source of my torment clearly exposed
By someone who could see all the damage
From a childhood any observer would oppose
With My Protector
 
My love shields me from the shadows of pain
She seeks out to destroy every piece or crumb
Of the memory of a life of inferior restrain.
Finally, in peace she has in truth become
My Protector

God's Lament

Justice, fairness, equality are not my choices.
Your breathing's just a pin prick in time.
I could, if I wanted to, silence your voices,
With me, creation seems just about fine.

You read I am a loving, kind sort of thing,
Reaping vengeance from the depths of the sea.
I exploded the light and made the darkness ring
In justice and mercy, I am what I will be.

My system is of variety, species and race,
With gifts, skills, in a whirlpool of faults.
And die if you look into my beautiful face,
And it's I and I alone who all should exalt.

I am everything; I make peace, create evil.
Past and future, unaware of time,
I am infinite, both faithful and forever bestial.
Without life or time, motives are more sublime.

You pray to me to touch your daily worry.
You ask me for the mundane of things
With an everlasting time, what's your hurry?
The future is past and what tomorrow brings.

Too often a jealous and a vengeful spirit,
I can make all your dreams disappear.
Selfish in your prayers, I'd rather not hear it.
You've nothing to want, nothing to fear.

Is there reason in the vapor of the fleeted?
Are my emotions similar to yours?
Do I feel compassion for all that I created?
Do I care about your peace, or your wars?

Does your suffering hurt me; do I care?
Is there meaning beyond conception?
What is your purpose? Why aren't things fair?
Am I with yours when facing expiration?

What do you get for following my rules?
What is the advantage of using my name?
Why do I make you look like faithful fools?
If you can't help but sin, why do I blame?

I could end these questions with a flick of the wrist.
I could explain everything to everyman.
We could add that to your never-ending list,
You are not designed to understand.

From beginning to end I create, destroy.
You can see it on earth and in space.
Every means at my hands I do employ.
And, I give you salvation free with grace.

You must die to join me in paradise.
Until you get here, my answers are sealed.
Until then, reading my verses suffice.
When we meet, everything will be revealed.

Until then you are not to make assumptions
As I move in and out of your physics.
Keep studying and discovering these functions
As you attempt to explain me to the cynics.

As those who believe dwindle down to one
That second called life, deteriorates.
The rest will pursue only fairness and fun.
The world won't end, it capitulates.

Without purpose, less than a second of life
In the violence of space and time,
With instants of pleasure, but mostly of strife
Becomes more important than that heart of mine.